FRONT Magazine
Archive for 2000

HOW TO NOT DRESS LIKE A DICK AT A FESTIVAL

festivaldicks

It’s Reading & Leeds Festival this weekend, so we thought it’d be a good idea to tell you how to stay fly and not look like a grade A penis.

Follow these easy steps people and you’ll be knee deep.

1. DON’T: WEAR WELLIES IF IT’S NOT MUDDY!

We don’t get it… why the fuck would you want to wear those horrible foot-huggers if the ground is not being taken over by a flood of shit and mud?

2. DON’T: WEAR A TRILBY HAT!

Hello, is that 2002 calling? No, it’s not, and Pete Doherty and his Libertines mates aren’t flying high (ha! that joke works in two ways) in the pop charts anymore. Don’t EVER, EVER, EVER wear a trilby. You will look like an utter cunt.

3. DON’T: WEAR SUNGLASSES IF IT’S A) RAINING, OR B) NOT SUNNY.

Especially aviators – come on guys, if it’s pissing down they’re just gonna function like a windscreen.

4. DON’T: PICK UP THE PAPER CUPS OFF OF THE FLOOR.

What what why why what why would you even what what what what why why why why what.

5. DON’T: WRITE ‘FREE HUGS’ ANYWHERE ON YOUR BODY/HOLD A SIGN SAYING ‘FREE HUGS’.

It’s just not cricket. At all. You’ll be instantly hated and look like the grade-A penis we mentioned earlier. You’ll also get kicked in your balls.

6. DO: WEAR SOME SORT OF TIE-DYE

1. Because it’s the summer, and 2. because it’s wicked. Get this t-shirt from Stussy.

7. DO: HAVE A BEARD

What, you don’t have a beard? Grow a beard NOW. You’re basically insulting the world of festivals and partying in general if you don’t.

8. DO: WEAR A JACKET OR SOMETHING WITH LOADS OF POCKETS

This way you can sneak your booze/whatevers in undetected. Get this jacket from Altamont.

9. DO: BUY SOME SORT OF BOOT.

Wellies aren’t at all good, so buy a pair of Dr Martens or Palladium boots. They’re pretty much indestructible.

10. DO: TAKE MORE THAN ONE PAIR OF JEANS.

You’re gonna get fucking messy, and no one likes a smelly person – using the excuse “I’m at a festival” isn’t a valid excuse anymore. Get some Levi’s Commuter jeans, they’re waterproof.

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