So, did you see Hulk? Yeah, you did? Well, we thought it was good, ok? It had a bit too much talking in it and that, but the Hulk throws a fucking tank bare miles so shhhhhhh. Either way, a lot of people didn’t like it and so they decided to try and make a newer, better version to make up for it. It’s lucky too, because they ended up making a newer, better version – yeah, he doesn’t throw a tank, but it’s still good.
This time there’s no real origin story to bog things down, and instead it’s just a lot of hulk-smashing and explosions. MUCH MORE LIKE IT. We don’t want ‘talking’ and ‘acting’, we want ‘hitting’ and ‘crushing’ — they’re the real ingredients for a real movie.
In The Incredible Hulk we’ve got Ed Norton taking over from Eric Bana (and preceding Mark Ruffalo) and he’s going up against Tim Roth who has been holding in a poo for so long that he’s gone insane and transformed into some sort of gigantic, veiny monster. Obviously Tim Roth gets very angry and so decides that he wants to fight the Hulk and so they fight each other. That is the story.
This time around they’ve included a lot more action, which is essentially what The Hulk is all about — nobody wants to see a giant green chunk of muscle sitting in his pants eating a Curly-Wurly and fiddling with his still-tiny bollocks. What everyone wants to see is a giant green chunk of muscle smashing the living FUCK out of everybody and everything in its path, which is what HE DOES. The best bit is where he rips a motorbike in half and uses each half as giant, metal boxing gloves.
LOOK, WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO SAY IS YOU DON’T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS FILM TOO MUCH THAT’S WHY IT’S GOOD.
It’s on ITV at 3:20pm.