At a time of year where everyone’s supposed to be rad to each other, I wanted to see people high-fiving in the streets for no discernible reason, I wanted to see people roasting chestnuts on their car bonnets and surgically attaching fake antlers to horse’s heads for Christmassy reindeer vibes! I wanted to pick up some fish from Morrisons’ fishmongers and have that shit handed to me gift-wrapped with a bow made out of cockles or whatever. I wanted to buy a copy of FRONT and for Melissa Clarke to magically materialise before my eyes dressed as a sausage with bacon wrapped round, holding a ball of stuffing in each hand and singing Buble. You know, proper Christmassy shit!
WHAT I DIDN’T EXPECT is to see the kind of kind mind warping, Guantanamo-style stuff that I saw in shopping centres and high streets around the country this festive period. No shit, I saw a mum throw a ‘rival’ child across a shop floor because he was heading for the same toy as she was! Mostly it was hilarious to watch, but I can’t help but feel that launching a child into the air, especially one that you don’t own, is frowned upon at the best of times. People go fucking mental at Christmas and it freaks me out so bad. The tiniest bit of frost and people are screaming and sliding around everywhere like it’s The Snowpocalypse.