If you’ve been to my site before (WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS NAKED AND WET HAVEN’T YOU?) then you’ll know that I fucking love and kiss and bum revenge movies in their lovely kissy bum – I have never, and I repeat NEVER seen a revenge movie that I haven’t liked. Revenge is just such a potent emotion – last week when my ex-flatmate used some of my olive oil to cook his steak without asking, watching him drink the milk that I’d spunked in was a dream. So whenever I see it up on screen, it brings me back to that wonderful moment and I get all excited and sometimes even spunk in my OWN milk.

Man On Fire is a revenge film and therefore, it is good (see above). Basically, it’s about this bodyguard (D-Dog the Denzman X Washpeng (Denzel Washington)) who has to look after this little girl but one day when he’s playing Angry Birds or some shit, she gets kidnapped and so he has to go off and find her/kill everyone that even thinks about looking at him.

So, because Denz is harder than my schlong whenever I see milk, he embarks on a one-man killing spree, merking all of the bad guys and not giving one single floating shit about anything apart from saving the girl. There are a load of other things going on, but we can ignore all of that because oh look, Denz is massively fucking that bad guy over a balcony. Also his name is Creasy, which makes me think of sweaty arse cracks, so there’s that.

There are a few things wrong with the film, like Mark Anthony is in it and at one point there’s a really fucking cop-out move in the story that pissed me off a tad. BUT ONLY A TAD MIND. Overall it’s a right old good squeeze-bum of a plonking suckthromb 5000. Watch it tonight on Film4 at 10.55pm.

Interesting fact for all you fact-fuckers out there – this film is actually a remake of a 1987 French-Italian film of the same name, and both are based on the 1981 book, also called Man On Fire. What a wonderful tidbit of information – now force it up your butt and become Master Of The Known Universe.

Hurl abuse at me on Shitter please, I love it: @ionlywatch18s.
Visit my webshite here too, there is an email on there that you can hurl abuse through too: ionlywatch18s.com.

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Because he can see in the dark innit. This is the debut trailer for Riddick, the film about… erm… RIDDICK, that guy who can see in the dark and likes to fight aliens. You’ll have first seen him in Pitch Black (which was wicked) and then in The Chronicles Of Riddick (which was wicked – ignore what everyone else said), and now you’re about to see him in this.

It looks flipping good.

It’s out 6 September.

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You’ll all know that handsome chap Paul Walker from the Fast And Furious franchise, but he’s got another car-based flick out this month – Vehicle 19. It’s about a bloke who picks up the wrong rental car and discovers there’s a hostage in the boot. Shits just gets cray from there on in. We had the chance to chat to him about it, as well as other stuff like sharks and stunt driving.

Vehicle 19 is filmed in one car – how does that all work?
It works like this: we’re about a week in and the director looks at me, smiles and scratches his head and goes “Oh fuck, I’m running out of things to do in this car!” (laughs). I think that early on I liked the challenge and I liked where he was coming from – it was familiar to me because obviously I’ve spent a lot of screen time behind the wheel of a car! It played into what we were trying to accomplish, which was something familiar but at the same time it had a fish out of water element – you’ve got an American that’s been thrown into the shit and is scrambling to stay above it. I think that having it all in the confines of this car plays into the claustrophobic feel of the whole thing, the desperate feeling of being trapped with no options, nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. As if filmmaking wasn’t challenging enough! I like the idea of creating just that little bit more – it was the right way to do it – by limiting yourself you’re almost forced to be more creative and resourceful, and I saw that every day.

Did you have to use a specially designed car with the doors ripped off or something?
No, we did try taking the sides off one car but for the most part we ran the vehicle in its entirety, a lot of it was just freewheeling. What made it a lot easier considering the time constraints – we weren’t there for a long time – was that in South Africa they don’t require permitting, so we didn’t have to close off roads and stuff. The majority of the film was spent quite literally with crew members hanging off both sides of the car with multiple cameras, just driving in and out of actual Joburg traffic. To me it was quite liberating because I’m used to the safety net and the due process when I’ve done things in the past, but this time it was just the Wild West – we were shooting from the hip and I found it quite refreshing. In a lot of ways I find the structure of other movies quite suffocating, so the ability to go out there and just play was great.

Check it out… »

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Did you see The Last Exorcism? It was a pretty effective found-footage possession horror movie, until the absolute ball-drop of the fucking end anyway. Also, it was clearly NOT the ‘last’ exorcism because they’ve done a sequel – The Last Exorcism 2 (“Sweet title guys, ace brainstorm there, congrats on everyone’s hard work”). So even though the title makes no sense, surely the film does right? RIGHT?

WRONG.

What they’ve done with the sequel is drop the handheld camera aspect, and reverted back to a traditional style of filmmaking – probably quite a good move seeing as found-footage movies are on the whole, FUCKING SHIT. The film surrounds the sexy (read: terrifying) contortionist from the first film, Nell, fresh from having her demon mohican baby lifted into the sky by a horde of religious nutcases, and as a result, she’s been put in some sort of minimum-security mental home for teenagers (we are not told whether they were also pregnant with devil haircut alien babies, but let’s assume they weren’t).

So Nell’s obviously trying to forget about the whole “GAAAAHH YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL WATCH ME TWIST MY NECK ALL THE WAY AROUND YOU’RE GONNA PUKE BITCHES” saga from the first film, so she gets a job in a local hotel – all good right? Nope, because she starts to fancy this other bloke that works there and for reasons that are never explained if she falls in love with him then the Devil is going to eat her brain or some shit.

That’s the main problem with The Last Exorcism 2, there’s no sense or reason behind anything. It’s like a horror sketch show – just a load of unrelated scenes one after the other, showcasing different scare tactics, but none actually connecting with any others to form a decent narrative. Had these scenes been put in any sort of context, they’d combine to create a pretty terrifying horror flick – the first scene is rip-your-pants-off scary, it’s just a shame the promising beginning doesn’t follow through to a satisfactory end. Actually it does follow through, IN THE SHITTING ITS PANTS WHEN IT THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO FART WAY AT LEAST HAHAHAHA.

For the most part it doesn’t make a jot of sense – people appear and disappear for no reason, things smash for no reason, people trust strange women in the street for no reason AND THEN SUDDENLY EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE FOR NO REASON. Yeah it’s pretty rubbish. We wouldn’t bother with this, stick with the original – but make sure you turn off before the whole punk monster slug fringe baby turns up.

It’s out on 7 June.

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Ok, little bit of misdirection there, we apologise. It’s a picture of Paul Giamatti in character as Aleksei Mikhailovich Sytsevich, otherwise known as The Rhino, in The Amazing Spider-Man 2. The Rhino is a fucking gigantic nutcase in an indestructible suit, so obviously he’s not yet in his costume in this pic, but we know you comic book geeks get excited about this kind of stuff, so here’s something to tide you over for a bit.

The Amazing Spider-Man is out on 2 May 2014 – THAT’S BASICALLY IN A WHOLE YEAR.

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No, not The Princess Diaries, that’s a big shit one – this one is The Princess Bride, and although it sounds like a crap Disney movie, it’s actually a really good action comedy flick from the 80s. It’s the age-old story of a bloke on a quest to save a fair princess who’s being held against her will by an evil shit-brain. And obviously there are giants and swords and all that shit thrown in to make it even more exciting. Which it is, and it’s also very funny – this is not your average Disney movie. WE SAID THIS IS NOT YOUR AVERAGE DISNEY MOVIE.

Not that there’s anything wrong with Disney per se, but The Princess Bride just has that something a little bit different to your usual fantasy flick. We can’t exactly put our finger on it but whatever it is it’s WELL GOOD, INNIT?

It also boasts one of the most quoted lines in film history – “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” Also, it’s actually not that annoying when people quote it, not like “I love lamp”, “Game over man! Game over!” or “I like sex! It’s nice!” – all of those can fuck off thank you very much.

So quote away, “Hey everyone, I love FRONT magazine loads and loads because they told me about a great film and now everyone fancies me!!” You know, stuff like that.

It’s on 5* (pronounced FIYV STARR) at 3.10pm.

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HEY! THIS IS FUN! HIS NAME IS ALAN AND HE’S BOUGHT A GIRAFFE!

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Right, this is a funny one. When I first heard about 30 Days Of Night I was pretty excited – it was based on a comic book and I like shit like that don’t I? Then I fucking found out that it was a 15 and I blasted a plume of diarrhoea through my letterbox and into the postman’s face – I was sodding annoyed.

BUT THEN.

IT CAME OUT ON DVD.

AND IT WAS.

A FUCKING 18.

I checked to see if this was one of those tricks where the special features on the DVD are what pump up the certificate to an 18, but this was not the case. The BBFC had had a number of complaints so they decided to reclassify the film as an 18 – thanks BBFC, now I’m allowed to watch it. Better suck all the diarrhoea back up into my botty!

30 Days Of Night is about a bunch of peeps (WHY DID I JUST WRITE THAT WORD FUCK OFF) people that are stuck up in an Alaskan town during a polar night that lasts 30 days. A polar night that lasts 30 days? If you ask me, that’s the ideal time for a horde of slathering, fuck-ugly vampire shitheads to attack isn’t it? YEAH IT IS YOU ARE CORRECT. Thanks.

So this bunch of screaming, pug-shunt vampire scrote-pullers attack this town and start shitting up all the inhabitants. But these aren’t your standard Dracula-looking motherfuckers/Edward Cullen-looking suck-hufters/True Blood-looking hair-wranglers – these are vile, black-eyed evil-looking neck-quimmers. They’re the coolest vampires I’ve seen in a long time.

It’s got everything a good vampire movie needs – gore, wicked vampires, it’s actually scary, an axe decapitation, blood on snow and Melissa George looking really really hotwhoopdiddlydowop.

Watch it, it’s on tonight on Film4 at 11:45pm.

BY THE WAY, follow me the fuck on Shitter: @ionlywatch18s and visit my bum-drop of a website at www.ionlywatch18s.com otherwise I’m going to have to punch myself in the dick again this evening.

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