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IT’S THE NEW TRAILER FOR A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST

WATCH THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW LAMB OF GOD FILM

Just after Lamb Of God finished kicking our arses on their headline tour last week, they’ve gone and announced a film. Originally about the power of music and its impact on cultures across the world, the film suddenly became a different story when frontman Randy Blythe was arrested and charged with manslaughter after an incident at a show in the Czech Republic. As The Palaces Burn tells the story of how one of the world’s biggest and best metal bands faced what would tear other bands apart head on.

The film will be shown at 350 different cinemas across UK and Ireland – find your nearest screening HERE.

I ONLY WATCH 18S’ MUST-SEE MOVIES: FRIDAY THE 13TH 1(-3)

IONLYWATCH18s

monday27th

love slasher films – Halloween, A Nightmare On Elm Street, The Prowler, My Bloody Valentine – all that shit. But my favourite ones are the fucking Friday The 13th series (the ones that are 18s anyway). Jason Voorhees is a big old legend and I like him very much. He shunts around with a hench machete and dashes bare teenagers with it. Normally because they’ve had sex or smoked weed or something – gutted! Literally.

Obviously, we all know by now that he’s not even the killer in the first film, but after the second film, he gets his act together and starts merking on the regs (although without his trademark hockey mask – he gets that in Part III). Now, I have seen the second and third entries in this series, but if you take a trip down BBFC Lane, then you’ll notice that they are both classified as 15s. When I watched them they were 18s, so it was ok, BUT OBVIOUSLY I’LL NEVER LOOK AT THEM AGAIN WITH A TEN FOOT EYEBALL. Check it out… »

THE LEGO MOVIE HAS NO RIGHT TO LOOK THIS FUCKING GOOD


Behold the plasticky magnificence of Behind The Bricks, a making-of documentary with a difference (the difference being, it’s fake). Making a movie about LEGO should have been the worst move ever – a lazy, cynical cash-in that made no sense. But somehow it’s ended up looking like goddamn loads of fun. The old-school astronaut is clearly the best. Damn it, LEGO’s the tits. The movie’s out on Valentine’s Day for some reason.

SATURDAY SOFA CINEMA: FREE WILLY

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You know what you haven’t done for a while? Had a good old cry over a big water-based mammal. Have you? Or maybe you have – to be honest, it’s not our place to say what you have or haven’t done, maybe you saw Blackfish or something, that’ll make you cry. Either way, what are your thoughts on having another one? We’re only saying this because Free Willy is on today and IT WILL MAKE YOU CRY LIKE A LITTLE WEEPING PUS SOCKET.

Why? Because it is a film about an animal and therefore you shall cry at it – that’s how this shit works. Nobody cares if a human gets his guts ripped out and his head thrown into the sun in a movie, but if a dog has to get put down, cry-stations at the ready. Even if the animal doesn’t die, chances are there’ll be a scene of it looking deep into your soul with glistening eyes – now’s your cue to bawl like a lost infant.

In case you’ve been living inside some unopened flat-pack furniture for your whole life, Free Willy is about this kid who makes friends with a whale called Willy and decides that he wants to set it free. HENCE ‘FREE’ ‘WILLY’. He wants to free his willy. It’s a really nice film and actually, to be honest it’s probably a bit heavy going for a hangover – we’re steering clear, we cried enough last night. Fucking bouncers, they wouldn’t even let us go back in and get the head of our giant chicken costume. Ruined our lives.

Anyway, it’s on ITV2 at 12.15pm.

SHIA LABEOUF REVIEWS NYMPHOMANIAC

nymphomanic2We saw Nymphomaniac Parts I and II the other day, and they were, umm, interesting. Lars Von Trier’s time-spanning sexual tale about one woman and her erotic journey of discovery has big boners and vaginas and shagging and is about five hours long(!). We suppose it’s worth watching to see what all the fuss is about, because you’re definitely not going to see another film like it this year, but on the whole, it’s nothing too groundbreaking or anything. We’ve been saying the word ‘cunt’ in a flippant manner for ages, so that’s nothing new, Lars. Despite all of this, perhaps the most remarkable aspect of the film is Shia Labeouf’s English accent, so to celebrate his achievement, we thought we’d ask the man himself to review the film for us. So in a FRONT exclusive, here’s Shia Labeouf’s review of Nymphomaniac Part I & II:

“Woorts ap, mateeys? Sheea LaBerf hior – yaow all seen mi moovie yet? Naa, coorse ya bladdy avent, eet’s not aven ort yet! Anyhoo, Oil tall yuu a beet abart it. Eet’s abart dees loidy oo liykes ta av sex. She does it all tha bladdy toiym, fram when she woz yang, ta wen she’s an ald bladdy fogey, ya no whot oi meen mayt? So shee’s tallin dis ald man all abart her storry, and you lavely oordiance membars wotch eet in a floishback, innet.

Tha foirst paaart ees oil abart er when shees a taarnoiger, ap ointil shee’s abart thoirty or summart. Then tha soicend port es arl abart er wen shois abart alder, moor loiyk farty or sarmart. Arl tha woil, shee’s garn abart tha ploice, darn lards af sex wiv lards of man, oin’t she? Wat moiks thas diffrarnt thaow, ees ya git ta see arl tha famly joils gowarn inta eachatha. It’s a bat bladdy sorcy, ya knaw? Ya oiven get ti cop a lard of miy mart and tiy vedge, witch ees noice aren’t eet? Check it out… »

SCARE YOURSELF INTO THE WEEKEND WITH THIS BANSHEE CHAPTER CLIP

Banshee Chapter is about this weird drug which basically means you can see weird fucking monster things from another dimension – IT IS QUITE A BIT SCARY. As you can see from the above clip.

It’s out on DVD on 27 January – grab it if you like having a wet bum.

SLACKMAN: BATMAN RECUT AS A SLACKER COMEDY


YouTuber OneMinuteGalactica has reconstructed the Dark Knight trilogy as a mumblecore-y, Apatow-y, “manchild stuck in arrested development”-style light comedy, because why not, right? We’d probably watch this, the semi-inspirational story of a wealthy slacker leaving his fantasy life behind thanks to his kind-hearted butler.

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