FRONT Magazine

I ONLY WATCH 18S’ MUST-SEE MOVIES: 30 DAYS OF NIGHT

IONLYWATCH18s

Right, this is a funny one. When I first heard about 30 Days Of Night I was pretty excited – it was based on a comic book and I like shit like that don’t I? Then I fucking found out that it was a 15 and I blasted a plume of diarrhoea through my letterbox and into the postman’s face – I was sodding annoyed.

BUT THEN.

IT CAME OUT ON DVD.

AND IT WAS.

A FUCKING 18.

I checked to see if this was one of those tricks where the special features on the DVD are what pump up the certificate to an 18, but this was not the case. The BBFC had had a number of complaints so they decided to reclassify the film as an 18 – thanks BBFC, now I’m allowed to watch it. Better suck all the diarrhoea back up into my botty!

30 Days Of Night is about a bunch of peeps (WHY DID I JUST WRITE THAT WORD FUCK OFF) people that are stuck up in an Alaskan town during a polar night that lasts 30 days. A polar night that lasts 30 days? If you ask me, that’s the ideal time for a horde of slathering, fuck-ugly vampire shitheads to attack isn’t it? YEAH IT IS YOU ARE CORRECT. Thanks.

So this bunch of screaming, pug-shunt vampire scrote-pullers attack this town and start shitting up all the inhabitants. But these aren’t your standard Dracula-looking motherfuckers/Edward Cullen-looking suck-hufters/True Blood-looking hair-wranglers – these are vile, black-eyed evil-looking neck-quimmers. They’re the coolest vampires I’ve seen in a long time.

It’s got everything a good vampire movie needs – gore, wicked vampires, it’s actually scary, an axe decapitation, blood on snow and Melissa George looking really really hotwhoopdiddlydowop.

Watch it, it’s on tonight on Film4 at 11:45pm.

BY THE WAY, follow me the fuck on Shitter: @ionlywatch18s and visit my bum-drop of a website at www.ionlywatch18s.com otherwise I’m going to have to punch myself in the dick again this evening.

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