Wesley Snipes is out of jail. YES, CORRECT – THE WORLD IS FINALLY BACK IN ORDER. Why not celebrate? Ok, it happened a while back, but we should be celebrating all year round – and today is the perfect opportunity, because Blade is on. Blade is Wesley’s second best film (behind Blade II), and if you haven’t seen it, it’s time to book a cleaner because you’re gonna need professional help to clean all the shit off your walls and TV after you see this.*
For those whose arses are yet to explode, the film is about this half-human, half-vampire who has all the strengths of a vampire, but none of their weaknesses – good job it wasn’t the other way around there, lucky dip:
“I’m going to die if I don’t drink some blood soon.”
“Go and merk someone then.”
“Can’t go out in the day.”
“Do it at night then.”
“I’m rubbish at fighting.”
“Yeah but the likelihood of someone having a stake to kill you with is pretty low.”
“Naa, I can be killed with anything.”
“Haha gutted, that’s shit.”
“Yeah, can’t even eat garlic bread either.”
BUT LUCKILY it isn’t, so basically Blade can go around doing all the things that vampires can’t, but he can also go around doing all the things that they can. It’s pretty wicked. Although saying that, he still needs blood to survive, but we’ll ignore that. Either way, he’s a fucking hard bastard and he’s got a bare sick load of swords for dashing some next-vampires. He’s also wicked at fighting and he’s got a peng coat. One of those huge long trenchcoats that look cool if you are in a movie, but if you wear one in real life, you’re the biggest nerd in the playground.
There’s some other shit about Stephen Dorff trying to be some ultimate megazord vampire or sumwhat, but all you really need to concern your pretty and/or silly little heads with is the fact that Snipes kicks so much arse in this flick that you won’t believe your peepee. It’s amazing. The sequel is too, it’s even better. But if anyone comes NEAR me with even an IDEA to mention Blade Trinity then I’ll slap their guts through their eyes so quickly that they’ll be eating sweetbreads out of their arse for a month of fucking Sundays. PRICK.
Anyway, it’s on ITV4 at 10.30pm. Watch it.
*I Only Watch 18s Cleaners are available for shit-cleaning duties 24/7. Session includes lap-dance, massage and optional rooting and costs £10,000. Or best offer. Actually I’ll do it for a tenner. Or for free if you’re hella peng. Yats only btw. Contact: @ionlywatch18s