FRONT Magazine



I really really wish that Van Damme was my mate. He’s not, but one day he will be, most likely because he’ll have heard about this bloke in England who has bigger biceps than him and can do a better flying spin kick than him. So he’ll get in contact and then we’ll meet up and because we’ll discover that we have the same interests – mainly shagging and spin-kicking – we’ll become firm friends and go out on the town, shagging and spin-kicking.

Anyway, my best mate Van Damme is on TV tonight in a FUCKING GRRRRRREAT film called Death Warrant. It’s about this bloke called Louis (“Cool name, bro” – someone who’s about to get their nuts punched out) played by Van Damme who has to go undercover at a prison in order to infiltrate some sort of organ harvesting thing or some shit. There’s also this big shit of a serial killer who’s also murdering people or something. What matters is that Van Damme is dashing bare man dem on the regs, STILL. This is because he is Van Damme and what use is having him in a film if he isn’t going to spin around and kill someone in their fucking grill? Exactly, none.

So I’m recommending Death Warrant for the following reasons:

  • It is a fucking 18 you prick.
  • It is a fucking Van Damme film you prick.
  • Van Damme fucking spins around and kicks people in the grill you prick.
  • I say it’s good and I am right about everything as well as being a prick, you prick.

Also, it was the first film that David Goyer wrote, he’s the one behind all those CBeebies Batman and Superman films that all the shit-munchers seem to love at the moment. Fuck that, Death Warrant is much better. He also wrote Kickboxer 2, Demonic Toys and the first two Blades though, so he’s invited to my penthouse kiss-chase parties whenever he wants.

So I’ve given you some pretty good reasons to watch this I think you’ll agree – need any more? Well, good luck finding them because I’ve just smelled that my Cheestrings are ready in the microwave and my Peperami is ready in the toilet so I’m going for a shower. Night night.


It’s on Sky Movies Action And Adventure at 2.40am.

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