Hey, I know it’s fucking obvious and boring to cuss Twilight but TWILIGHT CAN FUCK OFF. That’s what people eat as vampire films nowadays? Are you all a TWAT? Real vampire movies are ace wicked cute power shits like Blade, Near Dark, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Bordello Of Blood, Blade II, John Carpenter’s Vampires and obviously, From Dusk Till Dawn.
Look, the big fucking twist with From Dusk Till Dawn is that it starts off as a Tarantino-esque crime movie (probably because Tarantino wrote it), but then halfway through THERE ARE FUCKING VAMPIRES. UH OH! From here on in it’s a mega-good horror flick with loads of vamps and bare people getting stung up and dashing bloodsuckers with stakes and holy-water-pistols. It’s sodding. Sodding.
It’s got loads of cool dudes in it too, like… George Clooney, who utters the immortal line “Everybody be cool, YOU be cool.” Maybe that’s only immortal if you really like Paffendorf come to think of it. Anyway, it’s also got Tom Savini, playing a character called Sex Machine who has a GUN DICK, then there’s Harvey Keitel, who goes full-badass at the ‘vampire bit’. It would also be silly not to mention Salma Hayek, who plays the sexiest vampire my trousers have ever exploded off my legs and out the window to.
Unfortunately, it also stars Tarantino himself, and if you’ve ever seen him ‘acting’ before (Oh hi Django Unchained, oh bye Django Unchained), then you’ll know to expect the worst. Saying that, this is easily his best performance, even if it is a little OTT. Still, the film is so bum-shakingly over the top as it is, he doesn’t make too much of a difference – it’s fucking insane.
It’s directed by Robert Rodriguez too, which is nearly always a good thing in my book (the Spy Kids films can FUCKING DO ONE OFF THE EDGE OF A FUCK for all I care), and his trademark non-stop camera and frenetic editing is not absent here. Look, just watch it yeah and stop crying that I told you the fucking twist – if you were worth half your own shit in salt, then you’d fucking well know that already you dozy pillock. They even reveal it in the trailers – if you hadn’t been so busy melting wax all over your crotch and wiping your bum on the cat then you’d have noticed that. GET A FUCKING LIFE, BOZO.
But saying that, please follow me on Twitter, I reckon we could be mates.
It’s on Film4 tonight at 11.20pm.