FRONT Magazine



I don’t half like to harp on about Steven Seagal – I don’t get invited to dinner parties anymore because people got bored of exchanges like this:

“Could you pass the salt please?”
“Salt? Did you know that a Late Show With David Letterman episode from 1994 had both Salt ‘N’ Pepa and Steven Seagal as guests?”


“What a lovely collection of crystal glasses you have.”
“Crystal? Did you know that Steven Seagal’s first solo album was called Songs From The Crystal Cave? It’s great by the way, I’ll put it on now.”


“So I was in the bank the other day and -”
“BANK? I’M GONNA TAKE YOU TO THE BANK SENATOR TRENT. THE BLOOD BANK!” *pulls pants down and smashes head through table*

And so on. Which brings us neatly to this:

Which is quite possibly the single greatest line in cinematic history, apart from possibly: “The world is full of piss and shit, and now a horde of tin-masked arseholes are puking in our faces, filled with shit.” Which is from Violent Shit 3: Infantry Of Doom, in case you were wondering. That is an actual line from an actual film.

Anyway, Hard To Kill is about this bloke called Mason Storm (oh hello coolest name in the solar system) who gets shot and goes into a coma but wakes up because his name is Mason Storm and he is HARD TO KILL remember? Then he goes off on a revenge mission to find the people that shot him and rescue his son – he does this by hurting people loads and killing some of them. Haha, they’re not that HARD TO KILL are they Mason? Haha!

So yeah, I’d fucking watch Hard To Kill tonight if I were you. You’ve really got no excuse here either because it’s on twice, one at 9pm and one at 12.40pm – both on TCM. It’s so good. If you manage that, give yourself a pat on the back.

“Pat? Did you know that Pat is the name of Steven Seagal’s Mum? His Father is also called Steven.”

Follow me on Twitter for more Seagal facts (not guaranteed) @ionlywatch18s.

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