FRONT Magazine

I ONLY WATCH 18S’ MUST-SEE MOVIES: IN HELL

IONLYWATCH18s

Van Damme is the best if you ask me, which I assume you are, otherwise why would you be in my bathroom with your pants down? The ‘the’ in that sentence was pronounced theee, by the way – it’s sort of like a better version of ‘the’, I’m using it to signify the ‘best kind’ of ‘the best’. The bestest best, if you will, because that’s what Van Damme is.

Out of all the big-time ’80s action stars, Van Damme is the only one who is still making good movies nowadays – they all go straight to DVD, sure, but they’re a hell of a lot better than say, Seagal’s latest output. It’s partly due to him still being in great shape and thus able to continue doing that backwards spin kick that he does in EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FILM (apologies if the capitals made it seem like that annoys me – it doesn’t – it’s more of an excited scream type-thing), but also because he keeps them simple. He’ll do a tournament film, an alcoholic film, a revenge film – they’re all pretty standard Van Damme, which is exactly what I want. Well done, Jean-Claude.

So to In Hell – well it’s a tournament film and a revenge film! Revenge tournaments are my fave, like when a friend took my last Cheestring so I organised an underground Battle-Royale-style tournament where everybody had to try and put a Cheestring up your opponent’s bum and the winner was the last one without a Cheestring up their bum. I won because I already had a Peperami up there so you couldn’t fit the Cheestring in, but don’t tell anyone about that otherwise I’ll shove a Cheestring up your bum.

Anyway, In Hell is about this bloke who gets revenge on his wife’s murderer, goes to prison and gets involved with an illegal prison fighting tournament (and also grows a hench beard). It’s a simple set up but it does deviate a little from the usual Van Damme fare – he doesn’t do his backwards spin kick and he doesn’t even do the splits, what a joke. Come to think of it, I don’t even recall him getting his fucking arse out.

Instead you’ve got a down-and-dirty fighting style from Jean-Claude and also, wait for it… some acting. Yep, Van Damme is acting in this and it’s not that bad. Deffo worth a watch if you ask me. WHICH YOU ARE, NOW GET OUT OF MY FUCKING BATHROOM I’M TRYING TO HAVE A SHIT.

It’s on SyFy at 11pm.

Also I’ve just realised this was made in 2003 – that was ten years ago, not that recent really. Ignore everything I say always.

Follow me on the Twatter: @ionlywatch18s.

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