FRONT Magazine



If you’ve been to my site before (WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS NAKED AND WET HAVEN’T YOU?) then you’ll know that I fucking love and kiss and bum revenge movies in their lovely kissy bum – I have never, and I repeat NEVER seen a revenge movie that I haven’t liked. Revenge is just such a potent emotion – last week when my ex-flatmate used some of my olive oil to cook his steak without asking, watching him drink the milk that I’d spunked in was a dream. So whenever I see it up on screen, it brings me back to that wonderful moment and I get all excited and sometimes even spunk in my OWN milk.

Man On Fire is a revenge film and therefore, it is good (see above). Basically, it’s about this bodyguard (D-Dog the Denzman X Washpeng (Denzel Washington)) who has to look after this little girl but one day when he’s playing Angry Birds or some shit, she gets kidnapped and so he has to go off and find her/kill everyone that even thinks about looking at him.

So, because Denz is harder than my schlong whenever I see milk, he embarks on a one-man killing spree, merking all of the bad guys and not giving one single floating shit about anything apart from saving the girl. There are a load of other things going on, but we can ignore all of that because oh look, Denz is massively fucking that bad guy over a balcony. Also his name is Creasy, which makes me think of sweaty arse cracks, so there’s that.

There are a few things wrong with the film, like Mark Anthony is in it and at one point there’s a really fucking cop-out move in the story that pissed me off a tad. BUT ONLY A TAD MIND. Overall it’s a right old good squeeze-bum of a plonking suckthromb 5000. Watch it tonight on Film4 at 10.55pm.

Interesting fact for all you fact-fuckers out there – this film is actually a remake of a 1987 French-Italian film of the same name, and both are based on the 1981 book, also called Man On Fire. What a wonderful tidbit of information – now force it up your butt and become Master Of The Known Universe.

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