FRONT Magazine

I ONLY WATCH 18S MUST-SEE MOVIES: SPLINTER

IONLYWATCH18s

I like me a good monster movie, whether it’s set in the toilet, or in the loo, or in the lavatory – I like them all and I like being in them. I also like watching them, and they don’t even need to be set in the crapper, for example I also like ones set in gas stations. Splinter is one such monster movie and it is very good. It’s about a load of people stuck in a… wait for it… gas station with a… wait for it… monster.

This ain’t no big-ass Godzilla type shit, or no small-ass Critter type shit, or some blob-ass Blob type shit, this is more like some thing-ass Thing type shit. You know, like the Thing from… wait for it… The Thing. What I mean is that it’s one of those monsters you can’t really see, but when it gets inside someone, they flip out and fuck all over the shop and split in half and shit – it’s wicked. This particular monster’s modus operandi appears to be making people’s joints snap the wrong way and have sharp spikes burst out through their skin, hence the title.

If you like The Thing, chances are you’ll like this – it’s got the same kind of things that The Thing has:

  • A fucking monster
  • People trapped in one isolated place
  • People getting merked by a fucking monster
  • Loads of gore
  • A title with a ‘t’ in it

But it also has some things that The Thing doesn’t have:

  • A girl

So in some people’s eyes, it may be better than The Thing, but those people are massive dicks that are full of flipping crap. It is not better than The Thing, but it is still very good.

Fuck, I’ve just realised I’ve made this film sound as though it’s a lot like The Thing – the thing is it’s not, that’s the thing. That was confusing, I meant ‘the thing is’, not ‘The Thing is’, and ‘that’s the thing’, not ‘that’s The Thing’.

I have no idea what I’m talking about, OH FUCK MAYBE THE THING IS IN ME.

It’s on SyFy at midnight tonight. 

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