FRONT Magazine


Hopefully, we’re not gonna get any more snow this year – it fucks me off no end. Facebook and Twitter are full of people screeching about how happy they are that it’s snowing, dicks are harping on about ‘snow days’, knobheads are pining off about snow angels and making snowmen, and I’m careering about the house screaming and smashing my dick into the sofa and daubing shit all over the walls. I FUCKING HATE THE SNOW.

So imagine how pissed off I’d be if I was out in that fucking white hell-storm of shit and piss and then a sodding zombie popped up and started calling me a twat and trying to shunt my guts out. Yeah I’d be pissed right off. There are a couple of things that could make this situation worse:

  • I could poo my knickers.
  • I could have left the oven on.
  • I could not be on my way to having sex with a girl.
  • I could have forgotten to pack a Pepperami in my bum-bag.

Well, in the case of today’s film, the last bullet-point is the most relevant. The movie is Dead Snow and it’s about Nazi zombies attacking people in the snow. It’s a bunch of silly Norweigian drunkards on a little trip in a cabin in the middle of nowhere (obviously) and they’re all getting pissed and shagging whilst having shits (not even joking) and then all of a sudden, tings gwarn up shit creek. That’s because a really evil shit-meister Nazi general claws out of the ground with his deadly army of undead bastard wankers and they proceed to shite up all the rat-arsed morons in the cabin.

I’m glad this has never happened to me because YOU WOULD NOT want to be within even a ten mile radius of me – shit be KICKING OFF, son. Bro, imma get UP IN some MOTHERFUCKERS grills yo – peeps BE GETTING knocked THE fuck OUT YA’LL. I will LAY THE beatDOWN on some JABRONI punk-ass douchebag DICKWEED wipe-dog BIATCH CACKSACKUUURRRRSSZZZZ #YOLO.

Woah, sorry. I get riled up sometimes.

Anyway, these zombies attack and these pillocks get eaten. It’s funny. It’s gory. It’s even a little bit…scary. It’s an over-the-top gore-fest in the vein of Braindead and the like, and it’s got its severed tongue resting slowly in the torn flesh of its cheek. I enjoyed it immensely. There’s not much more that I can say about it because it’s pretty much just zombies chasing people and killing them – it’s pretty simple.

Still, there’s a lot of text on this page, so you can convince yourself that you’ve read a full review can’t you? Please try.

Dead Snow is on The Horror Channel and 2:35. It’s worth staying up for.

Piss on my head at and shit on my twit at @ionlywatch18s.

Leave a reply