FRONT Magazine


One of my favourite movies ever is Predator – the first time I saw it I was so impressed I immediately covered my bollocks in cat-food, went into the woods and let a cat bite down on them really hard, you know, real big-boy shit. Anyway, there’s a sequel, and it’s fucking quality. It’s not as good as the original – not many things are – but it’s still a right old fist-up inna di place ya hear! I like it a lot.

If you’re unfamiliar with Predator (get away from me you cretin) then I’ll give you the low-down:

  • The Predator is an alien.
  • It likes to hunt humans for sport.
  • It has a fucking cool mask and wicked dreadlocks.
  • Underneath the mask its face looks like a real-life vagina.
  • I have never seen a real-life vagina before.
  • It can go invisible.
  • It has a shit-ton of motherfucking peng-ass weps (weapons), like a shoulder-mounted laser cannon, a fucking mega-spear, sharp as all-hell hand blades, a spinning disc of death that’ll fuck your guts out in no time, a deadly shuriken-looking fuck-star and a precision head-eye gun that’ll blast your bum through your arsehole.
  • It can self-destruct with the power of a nuclear bomb.
  • It is not as fucking hard as Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • It has a small dick. Probably. I think that’s why it’s such a twat.

So in the first one it goes up against Arnold in the jungle, but in the second one it goes up against Danny Glover in Los Angeles during a drug war. It’s wicked to see that interstellar gash-face burning it round an urban environment sparking out bare peeps on a regular tip, I loved it.

Also, this time there are more Predators (SPOILER – FUCK OFF) so there’s that too, and also the infamous scene where Mr. Predator visits his trophy collection – an assortment of skulls from his many kills – and you can see a dead Alien’s head from the Alien franchise. Cheeky!

Predator 2 didn’t get the best reviews on its release but the critics must have been asleep or blinked or were busy fiddling with their privates during the scene where that bloke gets shat in half by the Pred’s flying disc, because that scene is NANG. So listen to the only movie critic that matters (ME TRULY) and watch Predator 2 because it’s better than that film that you made in the bathroom that time. That shit was wack.

It’s on at 1.30 on Film4.

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