FRONT Magazine

I ONLY WATCH 18S’ MUST-WATCH MOVIES: THE DENTIST

IONLYWATCH18s

Everyone hates going to the dentist don’t they? What a bunch of fucking teeth-ripping shitters. Whenever I go, I eat some cake beforehand and DON’T EVEN BRUSH MY TEETH BEFORE I GO – that’ll teach ‘em!

However, if your dentist just happens to be a fucking psycho, then it probably won’t teach them, it’ll most likely just piss them off. And you don’t want to piss off a psycho dentist, because they’ll pull all your teeth out with pliers and replace them with Haribo or some shit. How do I know this? Well, firstly, I am a psycho dentist, and also, I have seen the movie The Dentist, which is about a psycho dentist, hence the name of the movie, The Dentist.

The movie The Dentist, about a psycho dentist, is about a normal dentist who gradually becomes a psycho dentist and pulls people’s teeth out but doesn’t replace them with Haribo because I only pioneered that technique about two years ago and The Dentist came out in 1996. This guy basically has a perfect life and a perfect wife but it soon becomes a perfect STRIFE because he catches his wife doing a fucking fuck with the pool cleaner – oops! Time to shunt everyone’s teeth out!

Which he does – he does some really really horrible things to people’s mouths – so if you’re not into teeth and all that garb, then I’d probably not watch this. If that’s the case then it’ll be worse than sliding down a mile-long blackboard with the only point of contact on your body being every single nail and toenail – it’s that bad. Oh and the person sliding down next to you is rubbing two huge balloons together.

BUT DON’T LET THAT PUT YOU OFF YOU WUSSIES. The Dentist is well good. It’s directed by Brian Yuzna (Society [peng], Re-Animator 2 [peng], Return of the Living Dead III [peng], Necronomicon [peng], Progeny [quite peng], Faust: Love Of The Damned [pengish], Beyond Re-Animator [slightly peng] and of course, The Dentist [peng BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY]) who is extremely good at doing horror movies innit. Also for all of you penis-wipers that liked that Avengers kids’ film for bollocks, Mark Ruffalo has an early role in it. Innit.

So yeah, good fun all around, and watch this space for The Dentist 3: An Apple A Day Doesn’t Keep The DENTIST Away Does It You PRICK??

It’s on The Horror Channel (The UK’s best channel if you’re fucking asking) at 10.05pm.

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