FRONT Magazine

I ONLY WATCH 18S’ MUST-WATCH MOVIES: THE PUNISHER

Fuck me, Ticks was good wasn’t it? Fuck me. No, ACTUALLY FUCK ME. FUCK ME NOW.

Sorry, got carried away there, let’s get back to the matter at hand, my next must-watch-movie-that-is-also-on-TV-and-you-should-see-because-it-will-get-you-pregnant-with-your-own-shit is The Punisher. It’s on Channel 5 tonight at 10pm.

Now, this is a comic book movie, but don’t cut your dick off too quickly – it’s not about that spandex prick with the floppy quiff who flies about and is allergic to diamonds, or that other div that sprays jizz out of his wrists and sticks to walls, or that group of leather jerkouts that have knives on their hands and read crystal balls and control the weather, or that big green dunce twat with anger management issues and stretchy pants, or that man that dresses like a bat and hasn’t got any mates, or that sack of shit with the whip, or that rich dickhead that dresses up as a robot and has a shit beard, or those four squirtholes that set on fire and go invisible, or that hernia who rides a motorbike around with a dumb ugly skull head, or that old fashioned geek with the massive Frisbee, or that turd-inhaler with the long hair and rubber hammer, no. This is about a wicked comic character like Blade or Spawn (ignoring the Spawn film and the third Blade film though obviously, I’m not completely full of shit).

The Punisher is a hard-ass legend who merks bare punks on the regs. There have been three film versions of his story – a 1989 version starring Dolph Lundgren, a 2008 version starring Ray Stevenson, and the one I’m going to talk about today, the 2004 one starring Thomas Jane (which incidentally, is the best one).

In a bollock-shell, The Punisher is about this bloke whose family is murdered, so he goes fuck-out mental and decides to become a sweet vigilante called, erm, The Punisher, and off he goes to rid the streets of crime, one deadbeat at a time. Oh and obviously get revenge on the shitmarks that killed his family.

That’s all you need to know. Thomas Jane is fantastic as the eponymous fuck-hard war-machine, and watching him storm about smashing skulls and flinging guts is an absolute delight. You need to watch this.

WARNING WARNING

There is an extremely shit bit near the end where The Punisher sets fire to a load of cars so that they form a flaming skull when viewed from the sky. I’m not sure who he does this for. The amount of planning needed for something like this would completely inconvenience him in every way and is entirely implausible. Maybe Neil Buchanan was in town to help or something?

WARNING WARNING

Apart from that shit bit, I think The Punisher is wickedy stickedy COCK and if you haven’t seen it by the next time I meet you, you ain’t having none all of my fucking Revels you twat.

In the meantime, here’s a recent Punisher short that some GENIUS made. Thomas Jane’s in it too.

Leave a reply