Hi, I Only Watch 18s here, you may have seen me on the FRONT website, or even in their magazine (buy the best issue they have ever produced HERE) OR MAYBE EVEN ON THE BEST WEBSITE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE – ionlywatch18s.com. Well, FRONT have kindly asked that I spread my knowledgeable seed about the shop so that my expertise may be utilised by as wide an audience as possible. I’m going to do this by letting you know whenever there’s a wicked 18 film on TV so that you can watch it. I will also tell you a bit about it (and swear loads about it). If you’re lucky, I might come round your house and ring the doorbell, then when you answer I’ll kiss you on the forehead and run off into the night just before the film starts. I have no idea why I would do this but whatever, fuck you, leave me alone, I don’t even want to kiss your forehead anyway.
Well today’s film is the wonderful Ticks. It’s on The Horror Channel at 10.55 tonight and eeet’s amaaayyzziing.
But what’s it about? I hear you screaming into your own faeces, well just fucking chill out, put the scissors away and I’ll tell you.
IT’S ABOUT TICKS.
See ya, tune in next week for more gold from I Only Watch 18s.
Only joking! About the ‘tune in next week’ part, not the ‘TICKS’ part – it’s most definitely about ticks, why else would they call it Ticks, you dunce? Oh I suppose if it was about Tourette’s or something, but it’s not, it’s about ticks. Giant ticks. Giant man-eating ticks. If after reading that, you haven’t already thrown a spaghetti carbonara into a ceiling fan, then I guess this isn’t the film for you.
In a nutshell, the movie starts with a group of inner-city yutes going off into the wilderness to get in touch with nature or some bullshit that would never happen in real life. Today’s teenagers just LOVE nature, they can’t get enough of FUCKING IT. Youth clubs nowadays are chock full of flowers and shit, at least that’s what your chrysantheMUM said last night!
Anyway, in Ticks this happens. Off they go to check out nature and the lark. What makes it even more unbelievable is that the hardest ‘gangster’ out of the lot is played by Alfonso Riberio. ERR…YEAH, THAT’S CARLTON FROM THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR. Obviously I’ve never seen this CITV Jackanory Beebies programme, but someone showed me a YouTube clip of Carlton doing some shit dance to Tom Jones and I threw the iPhone (as well as the person who showed it to me) off the balcony in St. Tropez on which I was polishing my lengthy oak. So yeah, he’s in this playing a tough guy, and it’s bloody hilarious.
Uh oh, Seth Green is also in it, and he was in Idle Hands which pummelled my guts into the stars, so I like him. I guess it’s only of interest here because he looks about three years old in it – young people that are now old are funny? I guess? Yeah we’ll run with that.
Anyway, these deliquents head off to the woods and to cut a long (not actually very long) story short, they get attacked by gigantic, genetically modified flesh-eating ticks that have obviously mutated because cannabis growers have sprayed them with an experimental pesticide. So they’re all stoned too – stoned ticks eating bare yoots, what a dream!
All in all, I think it’s fucking wicked and if I haven’t yet convinced you, here are three more reasons you should watch it:
1) I am always fucking right about everything.
2) This clip:
3) I have a giant DICK.
It’s on The Horror Channel at 10.55. WATCH IT YOU SQUARES!