I fucking Love Jet Li. Like, really love him. Not in that way, well, maybe in that way, but you know, shut your Pepperami hole. Anyway, he’s the best and he’s been in some wicky wicky wild wild 18s in his time, granted it’s been alongside some absolute SHIT, but we can ignore all of that because the good outweighs the bad. So, you’re probably wondering why I’m harping on about Jet Li? No? Oh, you were wondering why I had my trousers down? Well I guess it is a bit distracti – wait a minute – HOW CAN YOU SEE ME??
Sorry, yeah, so Jet Li, well I’m banging on about him because one of his films is on tonight – Unleashed.
Unleashed stars JET LI (did I mention I liked him?) as this weird, feral kind of weirdo who is brought up by this full-on twat played by Bob Hoskins, who uses him to carry out his nefarious gangster-like deeds. Basically, if he needs someone beating up, then he gets Jet Li to do it, because he’s been trained to go shitting ape-fuck when Bob takes his special metal collar off – a bit like me when you take my special metal boxers off. Once this collar is off, he goes sodding spare and beats the hernias out of all Bob’s enemies using juicy martial arts.
BUT THEN ONE DAY Li escapes quicker than a JETplane and finds himself under the care of a blind piano tuner played by Morgan Freeman (yeah, Morgan Freeman was in a Jet Li film once) and his “Oh I’m going to impale my eye on this potato peeler and push my head down to the handle because she’s so fucking annoying” daughter. Anyway, they take Jet into their house because obviously they saw Kiss Of The Dragon and loved it, and there he stays for a bit, learning piano and holding watermelons in shops and stuff.
BUT THEN ONE DAY Bob comes back and all manner of wet, gloopy shit is loaded into a Super Soaker and fired straight into a wind turbine because Bob wants Jet back but Jet doesn’t want to go back. Cue loads of fighting – the reason why I really like this film. The fights are far more brutal than Jet’s usual fare, yet still just as intricately choreographed as his best work – it’s enough to make you want to put a newt in a blender and drink it. It’s newtricious!
If there’s anything wrong with it, it’s the part where Bob sends in this stupid bloke in a white gown to fight Jet Li with a sword after he’s killed all the men with guns. You all know that famous saying? The sword is mightier than the gun? No you don’t because IT DOESN’T EXIST. Oh well, I can’t complain – this is nothing on some of the shit I watch. We can ignore one bit of Luc Besson stupidness. Sorry, forgot to tell you that it was produced by Luc Besson didn’t I? Yet another reason why this film is so fucking wicked.
So yeah, watch this film because if you don’t, well, actually you know what? I’m going to be the bigger man and remain your friend – here, have this drink, it’s on me. Ignore that long brown thing in there, it’s not a shit. Come on, drink up.
It’s on ITV4 tonight at 10pm.