FRONT Magazine

SATURDAY SOFA CINEMA: THE MUMMY – TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR

So we assume you all watched Mrs Doubtfire last weekend? Well, today’s film is The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor and we’re telling you about it. It’s on at 13:00 on ITV2.

There’s no doubt about it, the third Mummy movie is not a good movie, BUT DON’T LET THAT STOP YOU FROM WATCHING IT. We didn’t let it stop us, and guess what? We enjoyed it. Fair enough we were pretty hungover (or were we still drunk?), but then again, anything with Jet Li in is fine by us.

The Mummy 3 (that’s what we’re fucking calling it from now on ok?) is about Brendan Fraser and Maria Bello (replacing Rachel Weisz from the first two movies) and the increasing inconveniences that face them in their daily life. You know, things like bills, washing up, what to watch on TV and undead kung-fu mummies from ancient China that want to murder everybody and eat their souls or some other inappropriate shit.

This particular bastard from history is Emperor Han, played by Jet Li, who obviously wants to conquer the world because what the fuck else is there to do in 1940s America? Ain’t got no Xbox, ain’t got no Internet, ain’t got no FRONT – might as well take over the planet innit. So Li jets off about the place turning into a three-headed dragon and casting spells and raising his mega-zombie-army to help him. Bit of a git, really.

But worry not, because Brendan Fraser is here to save the day, and he has Maria Bello who is under some sort of ancient curse that causes her to constantly forget where she comes from. They don’t actually mention this but we know it because she keeps switching between an English and American accent so that’s really the only explanation. Anyway, these guys, along with the help of John Hannah – who is also under a curse that causes his face to contort into funny positions and his voice to become intermittently high-pitched – go off to kill the mummy, the wonderful mummy called Han.

This is a fun film. It’s worth a watch on a Saturday when you’ve got nothing to do (sorry to burst your bubble, but you’re not going to take over the world) and all you need is a silly bang crash film with lots of explosions and zombie horses galloping about the place.

The only shame is Jet Li’s not in it enough. When will Hollywood learn that Jet Li is amazing and should never be wasted? Did you see The Expendables 2? He was in it for five minutes and then he fucked off somewhere complete with a racist send-off from Statham – that’s what you’re doing with Jet Li? That’s it? Fuck, someone needs to wise-up and make another Kiss Of The Dragon, sharpish. Hell, we’d watch a film that was just Jet Li wandering around his house making food and doing poos and stuff, as long as he was the main character.

Sorry, rant over. Just trust us and give The Mummy 3 a whirl. You’re a waster anyway, shut up about the Oscars, nobody believes that your favourite film is Amour, shut up. Mummies are wicked.

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