It’s getting rarer and rarer these days to find something original at the cinema. If it isn’t a sequel it’s another sloppy remake. Too many of our favourite films have been ruined by remakes: The Wicker Man, Planet Of The Apes and The Women to name a few. Frankly, we’ve had enough of this bullshit and now we’re putting our foot down. Hollywood, you better take note, otherwise we’ll be really, really upset.
1. Toy Story
You can imagine how it’ll go, ten years down the line when Pixar have made films based on all the nouns in the world (Cars, Planes, Monsters) and are starting to run out of ideas. One young guy, eager to please, will pipe up, ‘Hey how about we re-do Toy Story as a live action movie?’ If we’re living in a good and honest world, this man will be struck down by lightning and his name never mentioned again.
2. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
They can do what they want with the Terminator franchise, no-one cares any more anyway, but if they ever EVER touch Terminator 1 and/or 2, we’ll travel back in time to the birth of the guy who suggested it and put an end to that right there and then. Some things are glorious as they are. Arnold in the 80s was one of them.
Maybe, just possibly, this could be classed as Clint Eastwood’s best film. As you’ll know, because this hasn’t left your DVD player since it came out, Unforgiven deals with what happens when Clint Eastwood’s outlaw is forced back into action. Here’s a clue: it isn’t very pretty, just like your sister. With Morgan Freeman along for the ride, it’d take A LOT to top the original. If they ever tried to remake it, it’d take a lot for us to be ok with that. We might not be able to forget. You might say, they’d be UNFORGOTTEN. Shit, that’s not right is it? Anyway, leave it the fuck alone Hollywood!
4. Back To The Future
For some reason, Hollywood just can’t leave classics alone. Before we know it, they’ll have pillaged the 80s and remade everything they possibly can. First it’ll be The Goonies, then E.T. and then finally, Back To The Future will be getting the same treatment and our childhoods will be but sad, sad memories of a time when everything was innocent. No-one needs to see Taylor Lautner as Marty McFly.
5. Groundhog Day
First one remake and then a sequel and before you know it, we’re into an endless cycle of Groundhog Day films, spiralling onwards and onwards. You walk out of one cinema and into another and then slowly, Bill Murray starts to replace your family and friends and then the whole world is overran by Bill Murrays and even sleep is no escape because it’ll all start again the next day in some twisted, inescapable nightmare. That’s what’ll happen if they even think about remaking this movie.
6. The Usual Suspects
First of all, we all already know the twist at the end (if you don’t, go slap yourself round the dick) and second of all, any cast they assemble will be missing Kevin Spacey, the genius of the first film who presumably would be disinclined to return. A remake would definitely feature Steve Carrell trying to ‘do serious’ which, as we all know, is the worst idea ever. Make us laugh, Steve!
7. The Big Lebowski
Just don’t mess with The Dude. That’s all we need to say here.
8. Dazed And Confused
A seminal film about a seminal time in American history that none of us can remember as we A) weren’t alive then and B) aren’t American. Still, it’s an ace party film and one of the rare films in which Matthew McConaughey doesn’t get his top off. But don’t let that put you off, yeah? If they remade it today, no doubt some twerp like Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus would bag a role and that just wouldn’t do.
9. Indiana Jones And The Raiders Of The Lost Ark
Please, please please please George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, don’t make another Indiana Jones movie. If you really, really have to, don’t let Shia LaBeouf anywhere near it. The fourth film was bad enough, but a remake would be sacrilege. They’d definitely get some handsome chump like Bradley Cooper to step into Harrison’s shoes too. Wankers.
Ridley Scott has sort of already remade this with pap-fest Prometheus. Whilst Prometheus wasn’t actually that bad, it was a bit all over the place and didn’t really have any plot, to be honest, just lots and lots of screaming and running and Michael Fassbender being ace. Before Prometheus, the Alien franchise had been doing fairly well; the original and James Cameron’s sequel still hold up and the 3rd and 4th are enjoyable enough. A remake, much like the recent remake of The Thing, would be pretty pointless. How would they top John Hurt’s chest-burster? Or Ripley’s cat? Couldn’t be done.