We recently put our regular list of questions to Noel Clarke, BAFTA-winning writer, actor and director. At the time he was promoting Storage 24, which is out on DVD now. Next year he’s gonna be in Star Trek Into Darkness, which is pretty big-boy-shit. This interview originally appeared in FRONT 170, available here.
1. As a youngster, what was your favourite film?
The Goonies. I liked that Chinese kid, Data, with all the gadgets. I loved it, loved it, loved it.
2. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever eaten?
A bit of snail once touched my mouth. I can feel my lip tingling even remembering it, it was so horrible. What if you eat one and it’s actually a leech and it kills you from the inside?
3. If you could throw one person off TV into a pen of lions, who would it be?
Jimmy Nail. I worked with him on Auf Wedersehen Pet and he was 100 per cent a dick. I would go home angry every day, and my missus would say “Just keep your mouth shut, it’ll be over in a few months” but I worked on it for three years.
4. If you could have any super power, what would you go for?
Telepathy and telekenesis. All the teles. Proper Professor X shit.
5. Where’s the shittest place you’ve ever been?
Kanab, Utah. My car crashed there and it was just shit.
6. What for you makes an awesome night out properly awesome?
Being with your boys, having a good time, going to a strip club and nobody cracking their head open.
7. What is the first album you ever bought?
It was either Shakin’ Stevens or NWA, round about 1987.
8. What’s the punchline to your favourite ever joke?
“Up until now, everything’s been okay”.
9. Do you have a party trick?
I think I can still do a running front-flip, but I’ve not tried it in a few years.
10. Have you got any phobias?
Fuckin’ slugs, man! Slugs and snails. I can’t stand them. I don’t mess about, I’ll beat a guy up if he brings one near me. I wish I could carry a bag of salt around with me all the time, but people would think I was crazy.
11. If you weren’t doing this for a living, what would you be doing?
I’d either be an MMA fighter, a male escort or a combination of both. You could fight people in the day, and take some birds out at night. Woo!
12. What social networking shit do you like?
I like interacting with people that support me, but I get insulted every day. A guy the other day was telling me how shit my films were and how great his short films were. I watched his film and it was fucking shit. I’ll never get those twelve minutes back.
13. What’s the most you’ve ever needed the toilet?
Two years ago I was doing a press day and I’d eaten something bad. I was clenching like a vice all through the interview, then I was undoing my trousers while running, properly touching cloth. It was a photo-finish.
14. What’s the worst idea you’ve ever had?
I had an idea about a priest that runs a strip club. Initially it sounds good, but you think about it for more than a second and it isn’t.
15. What’s your favourite rude word?
Cunt! It can mean everything. You can call someone a cunt, or you can say “That’s a nice car, I think I’ll drive the cunt”.
16. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said to a lady you fancied?
I was in a lift, and looking at this girl, and I said “I bet you don’t want to get out of this lift”. The doors opened and she left. What a ridiculous fucking thing to say.
17. What’s the most illegal thing you (or “a friend of yours”) have ever done?
I can’t answer that. I don’t know how long needs to have gone by before you can’t get in trouble for things. I’ll just say “Bang”.
18. What have you seen that you really wish you could un-see?
I used to be a lifeguard, and I had to clean the sports centre changing rooms. The ladies changing rooms were the worst. Have you ever seen a tampon thrown against a mirror? And there was a sun-bed room that someone used to keep doing a shit in.
19. Tell us something we wouldn’t know about you.
I read a lot of comics. DC, Marvel, Image, Wildstorm, Boom, whatever I can get my hands on. I do ‘em on the iPad, because I’m a bit flash.
20. Why should people watch Storage 24?
It’s a kick-arse movie. It’s British, it’s sci-fi, it’s the kind of film we don’t normally make over here but should do. It’s got aliens and spaceships and action.