FRONT Magazine

ALEX BAKER ON DOWNLOAD FESTIVAL

Right, I’m a city boy. I feel most comfortable when surrounded by gangs of yute, concrete buildings and kebab shops with lines of obscure dead animals in the back. Mud, can kiss my ass! Twigs can fuck right off and as for the elements, don’t even get my starts on those twats!

So, you can only imagine my disappointment when I turned up at Download 2012 with metal-joy in my heart, only to get shat on from a great height by the tears of God! I’ve never seen mud like it, it was hell for a man like me (am I a man yet? How do you tell?). I was trudging through mud and hay, like a barn animal, trying to catch a glimpse of Lower Than Atlantis and other bands that I was stoked to see on such a big stage. After about 30 minutes of this I decided there was only one way to enjoy this countryside abomination – booze. A few pints, many Jägerbombs and an unbelievably distressing story from FRONT Deputy Editor Mike Rampton later – I was drunk, freaked-out and having a great time. Chuck a burger into the mix and I’d all but forgotten about the wasteland that lay before me and off I went to the flatscreen TV in the VIP area to watch all manner of wonderful musical talents in the comfort and dryness of a big tent with a bar. Juuuuust there. Ahhh.

You may be thinking, “what a tosser!”, but hey, I’m a pussy and PROUD!! So fuck you!

Anyway, I have nothing but high hopes for Download 2013 and I’ve been hanging out in the rain and throwing mud at myself in preparation for the big weekend.

Weather aside, god how boring, just talking about the weather! Don’t the bands look INSANE?!!

First up, the headliners:

SLIPKNOT
I have seen this band play live at least ten times over the years and every single time they blow my mind with the ferocity, technical ability and stage show. If someone’s not on fire then there’s someone wanking their nose-off and if that spectacle hasn’t yet come to fruition then there’s always good ol’ #5 (aka Sid), at the back, looking bored… ”ooohhh my good Sid, herrrreee it comes the biggest chuggiest metal-drop eevvverrrrrr”. *Sid leans forward and presses a button on his sample pad, looks pleased for a moment then continues nodding his head while doing nothing.* Poor Sid. Look out for him, he’s a legend.

IRON MAIDEN
You only get so many chances in life to bask in the glory of metal legends. This is one of those chances and you better fucking take it or the metal in your blood will literally dissipate and you will die an untimely death. FACT. Iron Maiden will be playing their legendary Maiden England set at Download 2013 and with metal-jams such as Can I Play With Madness (NOT matches…you knobhead!), The Number Of The Beast and Hallowed Be Thy Name in the mix, all your metal fantasies will come true. Go on Maiden, you sexy fucker!!

RAMMSTEIN
Pretty much the lords of the live set. Expect fire breathing, dildos, enormous ejaculating cocks, hilarious antics and music that will slowly but surely tear your motherfucking head off. As with The Prodigy last year, it’s so good to have a dance-infused band on the bill, hands in the air, party until you drop type stuff. I recommend a bottle of Jägermeister and two cans of Monster before entering the chaos that will close Download 2013 – Rammstein. DU HAST!

And as if all that wasn’t enough, a plethora (yeah, that’s right a plethora) of other amazing bands have already been announced including rock legends Queens Of The Stone Age, Welsh metal faves Bullet For My Valentine, the roadcrew themselves MOTÖRHEAD, modern day Springsteen The Gaslight Anthem, Alice In Chains, HIM, Volbeat and my boys, A Day To Remember!

Oh yes, and lest we forget, the man I hate more than anyone else in the world, Mr Jared Leto and his band 30 Seconds To Mars will also be playing. Seriously, that guy got to kiss Claire Danes in My So Called Life (remember that show? No? Fuck I’m old), has had an uber successful acting career, looks amazing, generally bosses everything he does and THEN – AND THEN – he announces to the world that he’s gonna play the guitar and sing in his own band. “HA!” we all laughed, we all thought: “God, this guy just thinks he can do it all, what a wanker!” – but WHO’S LAUGHING NOW!?! Turns out he’s actually a musical badass! For fuck’s sake, I hate that dude, he’s put the bar way out of reach. Ahh well, at least he’s short.

Keep checking back to www.downloadfestival.co.uk as I’ve heard on the grapevine that more announcements will come pre-Christmas. DING DONG MERRILY ON YEEOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, by the way, if you haven’t already, follow me on Twitter @alexbakerman

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