FRONT Magazine

HOW TO AVOID GETTING POSSESSED

There isn’t much that scares the FRONT office, but the idea of becoming possessed by an evil, demonic force just doesn’t sit right with us. To try and cure our fear we sat down to watch The Possession on DVD because it can’t be that scary, right? We were wrong. So we’ve put together a list of handy tips to avoid getting possessed. It’s a real threat, guys. Honest.

Do not play with Ouija boards or Tarot cards
It’s harder than you think to find someone who doesn’t believe in the power of Ouija boards or Tarot cards, which makes us think there might be some truth to it at the very least, so we’re not recommending you try to contact the other side using these methods. Just because you could have a very pissed off demon taking over your body before you even had a chance to figure out the last ‘t’ in Tarot is silent. Imagine your worst ever hangover, then add fire and Satan. Bad times.

Do not enter any gateways to Hell
We know it’s cold outside and that the magic of snow quickly disappears once it turns to that grey slush you always slip over in… but that’s no reason to go round entering the gateway to Hell! The toasty fire pits may seem appealing at first, compared to the misery of the grim outdoors, but just remember one thing: there’s no cold beer in Hell. If you want to spend eternity with warm, flat lager then maybe you deserve to be in Hell?

Do not make a deal with the Devil
All you have to do is remember that when making a deal with the Devil, you are essentially putting your soul up for all manner of terrible things. And we’re not talking doing the washing up, you’ll be getting whipped with fire and forced to eat your bodyweight in offal and armpit hair. So don’t, under any circumstances, make any kinds of deals with Beelzebub. Good.

Avoid addictions to alcohol, drugs and gambling
Apparently, alcohol, drugs and gambling are bad and leave us all vulnerable to demonic possession. But fuck it, what’s life without a bit of risk, eh?

If you follow these points then you should avoid having your brain and guts invaded by the Dark Lord. Although the last point is really more guidance than rule, so don’t take that one too seriously.

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