FRONT Magazine

I ONLY WATCH 18S’ MUST-SEE MOVIES: EXIT WOUNDS

IONLYWATCH18s

LOOK I FUCKING LOVE STEVEN SEAGAL AND YOU CAN FUCKING SHUT YOUR IDIOT IF YOU THINK ANY DIFFERENT.

*Wipes brow, fans face, pulls pants up, removes snooker cue from anus*

Now, everyone worth their weight in turds will know that Fire Down Below is the best Seagal film, closely followed by Marked For Death, Above The Law and Out For Justice, with Hard To Kill and The Glimmer Man coming up close behind. But what’s fucking next? I hear you scream into your bath full of ice cream, well, it’s obviously Exit Wounds isn’t it? If you didn’t know that then you’re probably only worth about half your weight in turds.

Basically, Seagal went off the radar a bit after Fire Down Below because his next film went straight to DVD and everyone thought the world was about to end in a hellish fury of shit and piss – well I did anyway. I needn’t have worried though because Seagal made a big old fat comeback with Exit Wounds and came slapping into cinemas once more.

Exit Wounds is about Seagal beating the shit out of loads of people. DMX is also in it. I like both of these people so I was very happy. Exit Wounds is extremely good, particularly the scene where Seagal dashes the absolute discharge out of a bunch of punks in a nightclub – that’s the real shit.

If you’re a legend like me, watch it tonight, if you’re a FUCKING PROLAPSE then go and do something else like rub your bum on a tree or something you prick.

It’s on Channel 5 at 10pm.

Follow me on SHITTER: @ionlywatch18s

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