I dislike bad spelling. Wehenever I look back on anything I’ve written and there’s a fucking spelling mistake I kick off BIG TIME – windows get brukkoff, toilets get merked, GET ME. It’s the same when I see spelling mistakes on signs and things – “Oh, you sell “PIZZA’S” do you? PIZZA’S WHAT?” – so the strange incorrect spelling on Inglourious Basterds irked me somewhat. Still, it’s Tarantino so he’s probably got some stupid reason for doing it that I don’t understand – I guess babies wouldn’t allow ‘bastard’ on the movie posters. THAT DIDN’T STOP BRIAN BOSWORTH.
So taken away from the odd title, how is the film? Well, very good actually you wincing squatters. I’m not Tarantino’s biggest fan (Death Proof was so shit I wrapped a telephone cord around my peen until it went blue and then showed it to a cat), but he hit the ball out of the park with this one. If you didn’t know, it’s about a bunch of righteous dudes who go on a mission to kill Hitler and merk a bunch of Nazis. These dudes consist of Brad Pitt (silly accent, peng jaw), Eli Roth (shouty mouth, sweet quiff), Michael Fassbender (good language skills, huge dick), Diane Kruger (fab undercover technique, unexpected proposal to me yesterday), Til Schweiger (comparable strength, Uwe-Boll-related CV-blip), B.J Novak (rude name, dench chin) and possibly some others that I can NOOOOO be bothered to look-up.
Then there’s Christoph Waltz, who plays this mental Nazi general and is easily the best thing in this film (FUN FACT: he reprised exactly the same role in Tarantino’s next film, Django Unchained and is again the best thing in it) – his slimy villain is what true movie monsters are made of. I don’t want to ruin the rest of the film so I won’t go into too much detail about what happens, but let’s just say I DON’T THINK TARANTINO PAID MUCH ATTENTION IN HISTORY CLASS. Same here though, history was boring and I was too busy off shagging behind the bike sheds – I caused more of a stir than when William Wallace led the Romans into Egypt to set fire to the pyramids.
Overall, this is probably my third favourite Tarantino film, after Pulp Fiction and Django Unchained – which means it’s very good. I’m a pretty fucking important authority on this type of thing, so I’d listen to what I say in the future.
It’s on tonight on Film4 at 10.45pm.
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OH FUCK NOT AGAIN I’M GOING STRAIGHT THROUGH THIS FUCKING WINDOW. THE TOILET’S OUT OF ORDER BTW.