FRONT Magazine

LESLIE NIELSEN: ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG


What the fuck, 2010? First you go and take Sir Norman Wisdom in suspicious circumstances, now old-timer Leslie Nielsen has gone and popped it at the tender age of, er, 84.
In all seriousness, though, the dude was a fucking comedy god, and we were proper stoked to have been given the opportunity to interview him earlier in the year. A lot of it made little sense, but it was still a hoot. Check out his ’20 Questions’ in their original format below…

Leslie-RIP

And if you can’t read that, check it in a bigger font after the jump…

1. Who’s your favourite Star Wars character?
The big guy in the jail in Return Of The Jedi – he has a keeper who treats him like a pet dog and something happens where he gets his head caught underneath a door with spikes on the bottom of it, and that’s the end of him, and the keeper cries. I like the way he cries.

2. When did you last throw up?
It was a long time ago, the first time I drank Scotch. That was also the only time I’ve ever thrown up.

3. If you could throw one person off TV into a pen of lions, who would it be?
There would be several. I’d have them imprisoned for impersonating being an actor. But unfortunately, even though I’m armed with lousy things to say about people, I won’t say them in your interview.

4. If you could have a super power, what would it be?
You know, I find it difficult to have an erection…

5. Would you rather have no legs or no arms?
I’m going to take a very strong and powerful stand on this. I wouldn’t rather have no legs, and I wouldn’t rather have no arms.

6. What makes an awesome night out properly awesome?
When you can find out the proper formula for getting the night steered back to your apartment. When you get into your own apartment, chances are unless you’re a damn fool you’re heading for a great night.

7. What is the first album you ever bought?
I don’t think I’ve ever bought any.

8. What would your funeral be like?
What difference does it make what I’d want it to be like? I’ll just make sure I’m dead.

9. Who’s the biggest arsehole famous person you’ve ever met?
I’m very touchy about answering names.

10. Have you got any phobias?
Phobias? I was very adamant on my last phobia hunt, because sometimes you’re going to be looking for a phobia because you had lost your last phobia. Then you find out that they have to be painted. [NOTE: We don’t think Leslie knows what ‘phobia’ means. He goes on talking nonsense for some time.]

11. Do you do the Myspace/Facebook/Twitter thing?
I haven’t caught up with that yet, somehow I feel it will catch up with me. My wife will bring it to my attention when she thinks she might want to bother me about it.

12. What’s the most you’ve ever needed the toilet?
Will Smith, the Man In Black, does a toilet imitation that is beyond belief. You wouldn’t think he’d be a toilet imitator, but he’s one of the best. A lot of people think he cheats, but I don’t believe that. [NOTE: We have no idea what Leslie is talking about.]

13. What’s the worst idea you’ve ever had?
Showing up at the Academy Awards having forgotten to put pants on.

14. What’s your alcoholic drink of choice?
I don’t drink anymore. I’ve been beaten into the ground because I discovered recently that I have the beginnings of diabetes. You can’t have any liquor because it’s too full of sugar, and you have to stay away from things like chocolate pie and whipped cream, and it’s a living hell because I love those things.

15. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said to a girl you liked?
A Tarzan impression.

16. What’s the most illegal thing you (or “a friend of yours”) have ever done?
Er, I forget [laughs to himself in way that suggest lots]. My father was a policeman in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, so I had to learn to divert his attention from any illegal acts I performed.

17. What would you have done if you hadn’t gone into acting?
I think I would have liked to be an astronaut. I would like to go up and fly to the stars. I can’t think of anything more interesting or more fun and even if anything goes wrong, if you’re going to die, that’s the way to go.

18. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
I’ve never broken any bones. I’m a good bank robber though.

19. Why should people watch Stan Helsing?
Because it’s dumb, and stupid, and funny.

20. What’s the punch line to your favourite ever joke?
God damn it, I can’t remember.

Leslie Nielsen
1926 – 2010

Leave a reply