STAR OF 30 ROCK JUDAH FRIEDLANDER EXPLAINS HOW TO GO AND WATCH HIM

Judah Friedlander, known to billions of viewers as Frank Rossitano from 30 Rock, as well as the World Champion of sex, athletics and karate, is heading to Britain next month for three nights of stand-up in London (tickets are available here). We got in touch to find out what precautions people should take before going to see him, and also asked him about ping-pong for some reason.

Hi Judah! Firstly, congratulations on your many ongoing victories.
Thank you. Thanks for showing respect. You’re a good citizen of the Earth. When you’re the World Champion, a lot of people are ill-informed about karate and sports, and they’re just jealous.

So, you’re the World Champion…
Yeah. The World Championships are basically karate deathmatches for charity, because I like to give back. Even when I win a karate deathmatch, the proceeds go to charity. It’s important to help out.

You’re very good at ping-pong. Do you prefer calling it ping-pong or table tennis?
Britain claim they invented ping pong, so it’ll be nice to come to the motherland. I prefer the name ping-pong to table tennis. It’s called ping-pong in many different countries. One of the reasons it sometimes has to be called table tennis is that there’s a company, Parker Brothers or another game company, that owns the copyright to the name ping-pong, which is corporate corruption, which is not cool, so I call it ping-pong. The other thing is, ping-pong is its own sport. It doesn’t have the same rules as tennis. You don’t do overhand serves, there’s no volleying at the net, and to my knowledge there are no grass-court ping-pong tables. It’s a different game. Table tennis makes it sound like a subsidiary of tennis. But it’s a different game with different rules. So that’s why I call it ping-pong. I’ve got some videos coming out soon where I’m playing against a ninja, you should watch those.

You’re playing the Soho Theatre in London on the 4th, 5th and 6th of June. How should people prepare to come and see you?
They should probably work out before the show, and make sure they’re in really good health and shape. All my shows come with free Laughter Insurance – most comics, when you go to their show, they make you sign a form to pay for Laughter Insurance, in case you don’t think the show is funny enough, which I think is unfair on the audience. So everyone gets free Laughter Insurance, and you have to sign a Laughter Waiver, just in case. A few weeks ago in New Jersey I did a show and a woman had had surgery a month before, and her stitches started popping because she was laughing so hard, so paramedics had to turn up during the show. So you might want to get medical clearance. That’s all.

VON IS SHOCKED BY HOW GOOD LOOKING YOU ARE

Oh wait she’s just looking in a mirror. She’s shocked at how good looking SHE is. So are we, to be honest.

Check out more of Von HERE.

GO AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE NEW ROLLERSNAKES SITE

Hey look! Rollersnakes have launched a brand spanking new website for you to go and buy a load of sweet, sweet stuff from.

The site now features improved search functions, a team page for the Rollersnakes riders and options to share products and content on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. As well as that you can have a read of their Hooper blog and get free postage on all orders over £70! Get in!

Go take a look at it HERE.

FRIDAY QUESTION: WHAT’S YOUR BEST FESTIVAL STORY?

Festivals! We love ‘em, you love ‘em. Getting massacred in a field with your mates and watching your favourite bands is hard to beat on the happiness scale, it could only be better if the grass was made out of sweets. So before we get all emotional and start packing our bags for summer, answer us this:

WHAT IS YOUR BEST FESTIVAL STORY?

Post your answers below. And check out the festival guide and Are You Doing Festivals Right? checklist in FRONT 181 HERE.

WIN TICKETS TO HELLFEST

The main problem with British festivals is that they’re in Britain. The weather is usually ok but it can be a right shit-piece at times – remember last year? The majority of weekends were spent sitting in a fucking trench with a stage. So why not combine the fun of the festival with (almost) guaranteed awesome sun at Hellfest in France! You’ll be able to see Gojira, Asking Alexandria, NOFX, Sick Of It All, Converge, Stone Sour and a fuck-ton more across three days and six stages.

And to celebrate this crazy French festival booking some of our favourite bands ever, we’re giving away two pairs of camping tickets to you lucky bastards! All you need to do to be in with a chance of winning is answer the VERY EASY question below.

Find out what the bands at Hellfest think of the bands at Hellfest HERE.

I ONLY WATCH 18S’ MUST-SEE MOVIES: MAN ON FIRE

IONLYWATCH18s

If you’ve been to my site before (WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS NAKED AND WET HAVEN’T YOU?) then you’ll know that I fucking love and kiss and bum revenge movies in their lovely kissy bum – I have never, and I repeat NEVER seen a revenge movie that I haven’t liked. Revenge is just such a potent emotion – last week when my ex-flatmate used some of my olive oil to cook his steak without asking, watching him drink the milk that I’d spunked in was a dream. So whenever I see it up on screen, it brings me back to that wonderful moment and I get all excited and sometimes even spunk in my OWN milk.

Man On Fire is a revenge film and therefore, it is good (see above). Basically, it’s about this bodyguard (D-Dog the Denzman X Washpeng (Denzel Washington)) who has to look after this little girl but one day when he’s playing Angry Birds or some shit, she gets kidnapped and so he has to go off and find her/kill everyone that even thinks about looking at him.

So, because Denz is harder than my schlong whenever I see milk, he embarks on a one-man killing spree, merking all of the bad guys and not giving one single floating shit about anything apart from saving the girl. There are a load of other things going on, but we can ignore all of that because oh look, Denz is massively fucking that bad guy over ~~a balcony~~. Also his name is Creasy, which makes me think of sweaty arse cracks, so there’s that.

There are a few things wrong with the film, like Mark Anthony is in it and at one point there’s a really fucking cop-out move in the story that pissed me off a tad. BUT ONLY A TAD MIND. Overall it’s a right old good squeeze-bum of a plonking suckthromb 5000. Watch it tonight on Film4 at 10.55pm.

Interesting fact for all you fact-fuckers out there – this film is actually a remake of a 1987 French-Italian film of the same name, and both are based on the 1981 book, also called Man On Fire. What a wonderful tidbit of information – now force it up your butt and become Master Of The Known Universe.

Hurl abuse at me on Shitter please, I love it: @ionlywatch18s.
Visit my webshite here too, there is an email on there that you can hurl abuse through too: ionlywatch18s.com.

HOLLY JUST SCORED A GOAL

You know, she’s doing that thing that footballers do when they score. She’s not done it very well, but whatever.

Check out more of Holly HERE and a special gallery featuring Rosie Jones HERE.

EAT YOUR CARROTS AND YOU CAN BE JUST LIKE VIN DIESEL

Because he can see in the dark innit. This is the debut trailer for Riddick, the film about… erm… RIDDICK, that guy who can see in the dark and likes to fight aliens. You’ll have first seen him in Pitch Black (which was wicked) and then in The Chronicles Of Riddick (which was wicked – ignore what everyone else said), and now you’re about to see him in this.

It looks flipping good.

It’s out 6 September.