FRONT Magazine

HERE’S THREE HOURS OF NINTENDO START SCREENS

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SATURDAY SOFA CINEMA: FREE WILLY

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You know what you haven’t done for a while? Had a good old cry over a big water-based mammal. Have you? Or maybe you have – to be honest, it’s not our place to say what you have or haven’t done, maybe you saw Blackfish or something, that’ll make you cry. Either way, what are your thoughts on having another one? We’re only saying this because Free Willy is on today and IT WILL MAKE YOU CRY LIKE A LITTLE WEEPING PUS SOCKET.

Why? Because it is a film about an animal and therefore you shall cry at it – that’s how this shit works. Nobody cares if a human gets his guts ripped out and his head thrown into the sun in a movie, but if a dog has to get put down, cry-stations at the ready. Even if the animal doesn’t die, chances are there’ll be a scene of it looking deep into your soul with glistening eyes – now’s your cue to bawl like a lost infant.

In case you’ve been living inside some unopened flat-pack furniture for your whole life, Free Willy is about this kid who makes friends with a whale called Willy and decides that he wants to set it free. HENCE ‘FREE’ ‘WILLY’. He wants to free his willy. It’s a really nice film and actually, to be honest it’s probably a bit heavy going for a hangover – we’re steering clear, we cried enough last night. Fucking bouncers, they wouldn’t even let us go back in and get the head of our giant chicken costume. Ruined our lives.

Anyway, it’s on ITV2 at 12.15pm.

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TEN SEXY GIRLS… WHO LIKE SPORTS MORE THAN YOU

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Admit it, you’re lazy. You say you go to the gym but really it’s a few sit-ups when you can be arsed and when the bigger boys aren’t watching. It’s much safer to just sit at home and say you once had a trial for Oldham without anyone actually checking and you still look like the sportiest of spices. But we know you’re a liar, which is why we’re going to convince you to sort your bloody life out with this gallery of FRONT girls who are into sports more than you. Have a gander at the gallery after the jump featuring Alysha NettRosie Jones, Mel Clarke, Arabella, Claudia, Natalie, Holly Peers and Lacey Banghard.

CHECK OUT THE FULL GALLERY BELOW Check it out… »

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ANASTACIA IS DOING HER TEAPOT IMPRESSION

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It’s not as good as ours, though. We came third in the regional teapot championships 2004. Would you like our autograph?

Check out Anastacia’s latest Alt Girl gallery HERE.

 

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SHIA LABEOUF REVIEWS NYMPHOMANIAC

nymphomanic2We saw Nymphomaniac Parts I and II the other day, and they were, umm, interesting. Lars Von Trier’s time-spanning sexual tale about one woman and her erotic journey of discovery has big boners and vaginas and shagging and is about five hours long(!). We suppose it’s worth watching to see what all the fuss is about, because you’re definitely not going to see another film like it this year, but on the whole, it’s nothing too groundbreaking or anything. We’ve been saying the word ‘cunt’ in a flippant manner for ages, so that’s nothing new, Lars. Despite all of this, perhaps the most remarkable aspect of the film is Shia Labeouf’s English accent, so to celebrate his achievement, we thought we’d ask the man himself to review the film for us. So in a FRONT exclusive, here’s Shia Labeouf’s review of Nymphomaniac Part I & II:

“Woorts ap, mateeys? Sheea LaBerf hior – yaow all seen mi moovie yet? Naa, coorse ya bladdy avent, eet’s not aven ort yet! Anyhoo, Oil tall yuu a beet abart it. Eet’s abart dees loidy oo liykes ta av sex. She does it all tha bladdy toiym, fram when she woz yang, ta wen she’s an ald bladdy fogey, ya no whot oi meen mayt? So shee’s tallin dis ald man all abart her storry, and you lavely oordiance membars wotch eet in a floishback, innet.

Tha foirst paaart ees oil abart er when shees a taarnoiger, ap ointil shee’s abart thoirty or summart. Then tha soicend port es arl abart er wen shois abart alder, moor loiyk farty or sarmart. Arl tha woil, shee’s garn abart tha ploice, darn lards af sex wiv lards of man, oin’t she? Wat moiks thas diffrarnt thaow, ees ya git ta see arl tha famly joils gowarn inta eachatha. It’s a bat bladdy sorcy, ya knaw? Ya oiven get ti cop a lard of miy mart and tiy vedge, witch ees noice aren’t eet? Check it out… »

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SCARE YOURSELF INTO THE WEEKEND WITH THIS BANSHEE CHAPTER CLIP

Banshee Chapter is about this weird drug which basically means you can see weird fucking monster things from another dimension – IT IS QUITE A BIT SCARY. As you can see from the above clip.

It’s out on DVD on 27 January – grab it if you like having a wet bum.

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WHAT MAD MAGAZINE GAVE THE WORLD

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As the greatest thing in the whole world, sometimes we feel like we should pay tribute to other things that are also great. MAD Magazine is great – it’s been going for over 60 years and opened millions of eyes to the sheer dumbness of a lot of things. Here are a few of the things MAD gave the world.

THE FREEDOM TO SPOOF SHIT
In 1961, a group of composers including Irving Berlin (writer of White Christmas) tried to sue MAD following a series of parody songs they’d published, to be sung to the tunes of the originals. The case ended up in the Supreme Court, which ultimately ruled in MAD’s favour – basically ruling that it was clear these songs were jokes, they weren’t intended to be mistaken for the originals, and that they weren’t damaging. This was seen as a landmark case in terms of making parodies legit, and is still regularly cited in courts. Check it out… »

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SLACKMAN: BATMAN RECUT AS A SLACKER COMEDY


YouTuber OneMinuteGalactica has reconstructed the Dark Knight trilogy as a mumblecore-y, Apatow-y, “manchild stuck in arrested development”-style light comedy, because why not, right? We’d probably watch this, the semi-inspirational story of a wealthy slacker leaving his fantasy life behind thanks to his kind-hearted butler.

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