You know what you haven’t done for a while? Had a good old cry over a big water-based mammal. Have you? Or maybe you have – to be honest, it’s not our place to say what you have or haven’t done, maybe you saw Blackfish or something, that’ll make you cry. Either way, what are your thoughts on having another one? We’re only saying this because Free Willy is on today and IT WILL MAKE YOU CRY LIKE A LITTLE WEEPING PUS SOCKET.
Why? Because it is a film about an animal and therefore you shall cry at it – that’s how this shit works. Nobody cares if a human gets his guts ripped out and his head thrown into the sun in a movie, but if a dog has to get put down, cry-stations at the ready. Even if the animal doesn’t die, chances are there’ll be a scene of it looking deep into your soul with glistening eyes – now’s your cue to bawl like a lost infant.
In case you’ve been living inside some unopened flat-pack furniture for your whole life, Free Willy is about this kid who makes friends with a whale called Willy and decides that he wants to set it free. HENCE ‘FREE’ ‘WILLY’. He wants to free his willy. It’s a really nice film and actually, to be honest it’s probably a bit heavy going for a hangover – we’re steering clear, we cried enough last night. Fucking bouncers, they wouldn’t even let us go back in and get the head of our giant chicken costume. Ruined our lives.
Anyway, it’s on ITV2 at 12.15pm.