We saw Nymphomaniac Parts I and II the other day, and they were, umm, interesting. Lars Von Trier’s time-spanning sexual tale about one woman and her erotic journey of discovery has big boners and vaginas and shagging and is about five hours long(!). We suppose it’s worth watching to see what all the fuss is about, because you’re definitely not going to see another film like it this year, but on the whole, it’s nothing too groundbreaking or anything. We’ve been saying the word ‘cunt’ in a flippant manner for ages, so that’s nothing new, Lars. Despite all of this, perhaps the most remarkable aspect of the film is Shia Labeouf’s English accent, so to celebrate his achievement, we thought we’d ask the man himself to review the film for us. So in a FRONT exclusive, here’s Shia Labeouf’s review of Nymphomaniac Part I & II:
“Woorts ap, mateeys? Sheea LaBerf hior – yaow all seen mi moovie yet? Naa, coorse ya bladdy avent, eet’s not aven ort yet! Anyhoo, Oil tall yuu a beet abart it. Eet’s abart dees loidy oo liykes ta av sex. She does it all tha bladdy toiym, fram when she woz yang, ta wen she’s an ald bladdy fogey, ya no whot oi meen mayt? So shee’s tallin dis ald man all abart her storry, and you lavely oordiance membars wotch eet in a floishback, innet.
Tha foirst paaart ees oil abart er when shees a taarnoiger, ap ointil shee’s abart thoirty or summart. Then tha soicend port es arl abart er wen shois abart alder, moor loiyk farty or sarmart. Arl tha woil, shee’s garn abart tha ploice, darn lards af sex wiv lards of man, oin’t she? Wat moiks thas diffrarnt thaow, ees ya git ta see arl tha famly joils gowarn inta eachatha. It’s a bat bladdy sorcy, ya knaw? Ya oiven get ti cop a lard of miy mart and tiy vedge, witch ees noice aren’t eet? Check it out… »