The other day we sat down with Joe and Jono from Blitz Kids to ask them our infamous twenty questions. Catch them on tour with Mallory Knox next month.
Joe: Gasoline and burnt matches.
Jono: The smell of a mustard-fried burger – it’s fucking spot on.
Which teams do you support?
Both: Manchester United.
Jono: I was born five minutes away from Salford so it was either that or City and growing up all my mates were City fans but when it came down to it I was dead young and I hated sky blue. When you’re like three years old you prefer the red one. I’ve also got a soft spot for Crewe.
Jono: Any lager. Cheapest lager you’ve got. That’s what I say when I got to a bar in London anyway. It depends what you’re doing though, if you’re on a day session then start with a Guinness to line the stomach.
Joe: If you can find premium Becks on draught then you’ve found the holy grail.
Jono: At the moment my favourite beer is Punk IPA from Brewdog.
Favourite video game?
Jono: Right now it’s GTA V, I’ve only just got it and it’s the best already. But of all time it’s Final Fantasy VII without a doubt. On my iPhone I’ve got The Bronx album, our new album and the entire soundtrack to Final Fantasy VII – I listen to it all the time. It was the first game I fell in love with.
Joe: Mine’s Frogger. I wouldn’t have been conceived without Frogger cos my mum was attracted to my dad’s Frogger playing skills.
Most attractive body part?
Jono: Cock. Actually that’s probably my ugliest, it looks like shriveled shrew. It’s like an Iced Gem without the biscuit base. Although I do have nice fingers.
Joe: Mine’s my muffin tops. Or my gooch.
If you could travel through time, where do you go?
Both: Go to the Champion’s League final 1999.
Best place in the world?
Jono: We played SXSW which was sick and I fell in love with Austin in Texas. It had cheap beer and good BBQ joints.
Joe: Niagara Falls – it’s cool as fuck. As soon as you go there and see it you can’t take your eyes off it.
Jono: You can’t beat “You’re a cunt”. I could invent a funny word but none would have the venom of cunt.
Joe: Or the percussive power. I like calling people a heathen as well. But cunt is like a strong forearm.
Favourite mythical creature?
Joe: A unicorn. We’ve got a badass-looking unicorn for the logo of the band. But the second in line is definitely a minotaur – nothing is more formidable.
Jono: It’s a beast in a maze. Walking around the labyrinth and getting a bit lost then “Oh fuck, who is this matey coming toward me?”
Both: Eric Cantona.
Joe: I used to wear my collar up cos it was cool as fuck. Cantona is probably the coolest man in the world. If God took human form he’d be Eric Cantona.
Most disgusting thing you’ve eaten?
Jono: It’s not that it was so disgusting it’s that it was so surprising. I went to this corner shop to get a banana but it was a plantain. I opened up what I thought was a really ripe banana, took a bite and then threw up out the van.
Joe: I once ate a urinal cake. It was horrible. I was wasted as fuck and my friends dared me. It did not taste like pineapple.
First album you bought?
Joe: Take Off Your Pants And Jacket by Blink 182. Actually, it might have been Travis’ The Man Who.
Jono: Mine was the first Spice Girls album, but the first rock record was Blur’s self-titled.
Punchline to your favourite joke?
Jono: “Because he had cancer.”
What would you be doing if you weren’t in Blitz Kids?
Joe: I’d just be the drunk guy in the pub telling you how he used to be in a band that once played a venue.
Superpower of choice?
Joe: I really want Bernard’s watch. Or to have the remote control from the Click film and use it the right way. Or to have the power of a genie without limits.
Jono: I’d like to be invincible and live forever at this age without getting hangovers.
Most you’ve ever needed the toilet?
Joe: There was one time in the van when we were driving and there was nowhere to pull over and there was four of us in the back that needed a piss. I had the most painful feeling for about half an hour, when I finally got out it actually hurt to piss. I think I ended up pissing in the middle of this street.
Stupidest thing you’ve done to impress a sexy person?
Joe: I used to tell girls that I was a footballer that plays for Stoke or something. And if you buy enough drinks it looks like you’ve got that much money. I used to lie about everything at that age.
Jono: I was quite a good skater and there was a girl at a skatepark so I thought I’d impress her. I dropped in on a ramp but I was too busy looking at her to notice a BMXer and I smashed right into this guy and I fell over really badly. I was in so much pain I had to go home and have a small crywank.
What have you seen that you wish you could unsee?
Joe: Jono’s arsehole. He calls it the Eye Of Sauron. He wakes me up all the time and it’s fucking vile – he does it every time after he has a curry and it looks like the fucking Japanese flag.
Jono: I wish I could unsee the final episode of Lost cos it was fucking shit. I invested a good five years of my life in that show and they fucked it. What a gaggle of cunts.
If you have an hour to kill, how do you fill it?
Jono: Masturbate. If there’s an hour I’ve got time for a few.
Why should you listen to Blitz Kids?
Jono: Cos we’re trying to do something fresh and positive and have a laugh. You can take it at face value or you can get involved with it and all the different layers like a really indulgent musical trifle.